State Elections Board Nominations Lost

Madison, WI - After running nearly 273% over budget, the Wisconsin State Elections Board finally implemented its new Wisconsin Electronic File system, known as "WE-File," just in time for the deluge of candidates registering for the November 2006 General Election.

The day started out smoothly, with computer consoles setup in the hallway outside the Elections Board, allowing candidates to register by computer and reducing wait times to under 3 minutes. The only excitement of the morning came when State Representative Mark Pocan stood in line unnecessarily at the main counter for over 30 minutes after refusing to file electronically. According to Pocan's office, it was intended as a protest against the Elections Board's refusal to create a countable and verifiable paper receipt for electronic filing.

In a twist of fate, at approximately 2:50pm, the Elections Board experienced a catastrophic crash of its computer system, complete with fried hard drives and destroyed backups. All candidacy filings appear to have been lost with little hope of recovery. IT teams have begun to retrieve some numbers, but it is unclear why the computers are showing signature counts for candidates in the tens of thousands. Many have already begun to speculate what kind of a blow this deals to the Elections Board assertions that using computers to keep accurate counts would be both "air tight" and "foolproof."

As of 4:40 p.m., only 20 minutes before the filing deadline, Mark Pocan appears to be the only individual the Elections Board has registered for the Fall General Election.

Updates will follow as more information becomes available.

State Assembly Visits Marriage Counselor - Tries Role Playing

Madison - The State Assembly today, back in town for a veto-override session, participated in a role-playing session. Wikipedia states that "In role-playing, participants adopt the role of characters, or parts, that have personalities, motivations, and backgrounds different from their own." It is viewed as one of the most common and oft used forms of counseling.

The Democratic-Republican relationship has continued to sour over the years as the two have drifted further and further apart. In an attempt to remedy the situation, the two have agreed to see a marriage counselor after a show of mutual reluctance.

"All the Democrats ever do is get up and bitch, bitch, bitch about things they have absolutely no control over," said a Republican. "Just sit down and shut up, you're not going to change the outcome of anything."

"All I want to do is have a conversation," countered a Democrat. "The Republicans just sit there with their mouth shut and won't even recognize us. I just want to talk!"

Recently, their marriage counselor suggested a common form of therapy known as role playing. It was suggested that the two try to pretend they are in the other person's shoes and to act out what they perceive to be the problematic behavior of their partner.

Following up on doctor's orders, Republicans spent the day talking, complaining and nearly screaming about things they have no control over and for which they already know the outcome. Playing their part, Democrats sat quietly, ignoring the outbursts from across the aisle. At times, each side broke character and resorted back to their usual self, but it was generally viewed as a successful role playing session.

Citing doctor-patient confidentiality, their marriage counselor refused to answer any questions about the relationship's outlook. The doctor's only comment was that "we should have a better sense of things in 5 or 6 months."

Streamlined Constitutional UW Admissions

Madison - The State Legislature finally stepped up to the plate today, for the first time effecting a plan in response to action by the UW-System instead of just complaining. In the face of crazy liberal ideas, Assembly Republican Leadership has found a way to resolve the controversy surrounding the recent changes to the UW admissions process.

A Streamlined Constitutional UW Admissions (Screw Admissions) Amendment has rushed through the Legislature, writing into the constitution a limit of 4 questions that may be asked on a UW admissions application:

• Name
• Address
• GPA
• ACT/SAT

All other factors are now constitutionally barred from consideration when reviewing an applicant's file. GOP Leadership felt the quickest way to solve the UW crisis was to stick to what they do best: make a one-size-fits-all constitutional amendment to change things to their liking.

Further streamlining admissions and preventing any and all future controversy, the Admissions Departments at all UW schools have been eliminated and all applications this fall will be reviewed by the Assembly Republican Caucus. State Representative Steve Nass will assume the role of System-wide UW Admissions Overlord.

Max Power has been able to obtain a sneak peak at the upcoming application for UW-Madison this fall:

Textbook Omission

September 2013 - The fears of many democrats are beginning their realization as students head back to school this fall. High school and middle school students across the country will tread into their history classes every day with some new entries in their textbooks.

The textbook cabal has finally finished their standard entry on the presidency of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States. The sole focus of the entry will be the attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001.

Many liberals had hoped his legacy would be one of the debacle he started with his war in Iraq. What they failed to foresee was that the Iraq war would still be raging today, over ten years after the claimed "liberation of Iraq." Textbook editors have been hesitant to cover "contemporary issues," instead waiting for history to develop a retroactive look at the matter.

"We're not going to put current affairs into a history textbook," said one editor. "As such, we had no choice but to cut out any and all reference to the Iraq war when discussing President Bush."

While some feel this unfairly characterizes Bush as the president who stood up against terrorism, others are less concerned.

"Sure, my kids might not get the full story from their textbook," said one parent. "But they all know that Bush started the Iraq war and I don't think they'll forget it anytime soon. All one has to do is turn on the TV to any news channel and they'll be reminded all day long about how horrible everything is in Iraq."

Let The People Decide

I will never understand the Democrats' [GOP's] aversion to more levels of direct democracy in our government. They were so vehemently opposed to this non-binding, advisory referendum, that would simply allow voters to tell them how they feel about the death penalty [war in Iraq].

I can understand being opposed to the non-binding, advisory referendum because, perhaps, it seems a little like the government funding a very expensive poll. Or, perhaps, because there is no reason to have such a costly referendum and have it be non-binding. Perhaps one could be opposed because they feel it should be binding.

But because the voters shouldn't have a say in this issue?

That's ridiculous.

----------------------

Ridiculous indeed.

But wait, does the term "ridiculous referendum" sound familiar? That's because IT IS! Read about it, along with 7 more examples found amongst these.

BREAKING NEWS

Cyberspace, WI - A firestorm of speculation has swept through the blogging world after various right-wing bloggers, including Jessica and Jenna, posted positive and optimistic entries on their blog. This particular breed of blogger is often found lurking on the far-right, casting Pat Robertson in a Feingolden light.

Reasoned bloggers that typically provide a logic-based argument for their thought-out position, such as the Recess Supervisor or Jed & Owen, were shocked to see a break from the corrosive vitriol usually spit from those on the far-right.

Many moderates view the turn of events as offering hope for the future health and well-being of these bloggers. Reading far-right blogs, one would never have guessed that the GOP holds the White House, Supreme Court, U.S. Senate, U.S. House, State Senate and State Assembly. Some have struggled to understand why those on the right could be so unhappy with their nearly ultimate power over State Government and their absolute power over the Federal Government.

With "the sky is falling" attitudes on federal matters in our current GOP-Dominated world, people are uneasy about the mental well-being of these bloggers should the Democratic Party take back any slight majority at any level of government. While it seems unfathomable how a person could be so pissed-off when they're winning the race, it leaves one concerned for what that person might do should they begin to lose the race.

Quote of the Day

"Wisconsin's lobby laws and ethics laws are a model for the nation."
(read: we don't need to do anything)

Assembly Speaker-Elect Huebsch

May 2, 2006

Green Drops Out Of Race

Green Bay - In a shocking turn of events, Mark Green announced today that he was withdrawing from the race for Wisconsin Governor. The Republican Party of Wisconsin has given no indication of offering a different opponent, giving Doyle a free ride to his second term as Governor of Wisconsin.

When Governor Doyle took office, he inherited over 15 years of fiscal mismanagement from Republican governors. Wisconsin was a "tax hell" with one of the highest tax rates in the country while racking up an all-time-record $3.2 Billion budget deficit.

In his three years as governor, Doyle has:

• continually lowered the budget deficit without raising taxes
• held property tax increases to a lower rate than GOP proposals
• continually lowered the overall tax burden every single year in office
• prevented drastic cuts to prisons, schools and UW

The Republican Party of Wisconsin, however, recently learned that Wisconsin still has a budget deficit, is still above average on tax burdens despite the positive trend, and still has a few more difficult budgets ahead.

"It turns out," said Rick Graber, "that we screwed things up so damn bad, it's going to take Doyle another term to get everything straightened out."

With an expected $1.6 Billion deficit, Doyle has cut the shortfall in half over two budgets. At this rate, it is expected to be completely eliminated after passage of the 2009-2011 biennium budget, just in time for the next Republican Gubernatorial winner of the 2010 election.

"Apparently we were little too quick to jump on him," noted Green. "Another four years of tough budget cuts should finally be enough for Doyle to get things straightened up and in order... then we can help him fall on his own sword. Besides, I sure as hell don't want to write a budget starting with a $1.6 Billion deficit, are you crazy?"

GOP strategists agree that a Republican governorship should only be implemented when the state is back "in the black." It is also expected to make the campaign easier the next cycle. In another four years GOP strategists will have twice as many tough decisions Doyle had to make that they can hammer him for.

Green concluded: "It would just be more fun to be Governor and not have to make any tough decisions. I'd rather let Doyle clean up our mess and then we'll hammer him for all the decisions he made while fixing things.

An Inconvenient Truth?

I don't know what this crazy guy is talkign about, the truth is never inconvenient for the right. He's just still bitter, I mean, why else would he do this?

(click the poster)

Troops Actually Come Home After Referendum Passes With Record Turnout

Madison - Across the state and throughout the country on Tuesday, voters turned out in droves for the oft overlooked spring election. From school boards to county boards, there were the usual string of electoral decisions to be made in the polling booth. This year, however, many areas featured a new and unusual ballot measure regarding our soldiers at war in Iraq.

A Major Issue?

The question on Madison's ballots simply stated: "Should the United States bring all military personnel home from Iraq now?" Similar questions appeared on ballots across the state and throughout the U.S.

Leading up to this election, both the blogosphere and the right-wing media have just erupted over this seemingly simple question. It appears, however, that their hype was duly appropriate, as turnout for the election topped 87% of registered voters. Not only was this a record for a spring election, but a record for any election.

"I think the record turnout vindicates what some people have called 'too much time' spent on the subject by bloggers and the media," said one right-wing blogger.

Serious Consequences?

During the intense spotlight of the blogosphere, much discussion focused on the message the referendum would be sending our troops. Several bloggers worried that if it passed, it would demoralize the troops already serving in Iraq. Supporters of the referendum rebuke that it is targeted as a message to the Bush Administration and that it should have no effect on the troops.

"It's just a referendum, man," said one twenty-something gentleman sporting blond-haired dreadlocks. "It's not like the City of Madison has anything to do with bringing troops home anyway."

"I mean, we support our troops, we just don't support this war," added the first gentleman's' hetero-life-mate.

But with the referendum passing with a 68% super-majority, it appears as though the outcry from right-wing bloggers has again been justified.

Immediate Results

It was only a matter of hours before news of the referenda results reached U.S. soldiers in Iraq. Interrupting their normally peaceful day of eating lollipops and playing tiddlywinks, moral quickly began to decline.

"We had just finished the squidge-off when the news came through," said one soldier. "On the very first play Johnson had one of his winks squopped by Roberts... and he threw the table across the room!"

Soon thereafter soldiers just began to throw down their weapons, commandeer the military aircraft, and fly back toward the United States. By the end of the day it was estimated that 93% of the U.S. military presence in Iraq had just decided to up and leave.

The result has been devastating to the Iraqi people. After over three years of strong support for the American presence, many Iraqis miss the American soldiers. Worse yet, the short and straight road to an Iraqi democracy looks to be in danger. Without the U.S. Army's superior control of the Iraqi insurgency, the country has now begun to slip into chaos and what some people are starting to call civil war. The sign at the center of Baghdad reading "937 Days Without a Car Bomb" was destroyed this morning by a car bomb in a devastatingly symbolic act.

"If only the Americans were still here," said one Iraqi. "Then we would have peace and a stable government."

"I tried to warn everyone," opined one blogger.

Immigration

Doyle Invites Bush to Campaign

Madison - After Scott Walker cleared the way for a Mark Green run against Governor Doyle, Doyle has invited President Bush and Vice President Cheney to campaign for Mark Green in the gubernatorial race this summer and fall.

"With so many republicans constantly defending the slightest negative comment directed toward Bush and Cheney," said Doyle, "I thought I would ask them to put their money where their mouth is... and I'll even give them the money."

Governor Doyle has offered to pay the way for Bush and Cheney to campaign for Mark Green between now and the November election.

Doyle continued; "the minute anyone questions the war in Iraq they are accused of supporting terrorists blowing up American cities, as if that is the only other possibility - war in Iraq or destroyed US cities... nothing in between.

"I could spend my millions of campaign dollars on direct mail and advertising, but then I thought I could just use it to pay for Bush and Cheney to join Green on the campaign trail. This way, every time anyone sees Mark Green, Bush and Cheney will be in the same frame of video or the same picture in the papers.

"With Republicans so testy anytime we question the Bush Administration, they should have no reason not to openly welcome Bush and Cheney's constant presence on the campaign trail during this election.

"Mark Green has been a Bush ally in D.C., and I think it's only fair that when people think of Mark Green they think of George W. Bush... that is... unless those on the right have some problem with Bush that I somehow missed while they were busy calling me a terrorist for questioning the slightest thing about his administration."

Support the Troops

So that's why there are more right-wing blogs than lefties!

Or why over 50 veterans are new Democratic candidates for Congress this fall. New GOP veteran candidates... count them on one hand.
List. Read about it here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here... to name a few.

Feingold Kindly Asks for Apology

Milwaukee/New York - The Junior Senator from Wisconsin, Russ Feingold, appeared as the guest live via satellite on last nights The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Senator Feingold used this forum to kindly ask for an apology from President Bush for wrecking the Senate mountain bike.

October 25, 2001 Senator Feingold made the bold move of asking the Senate gym to stock a mountain bike to be shared among the Senate for fitness and recreational purposes. There was quite an opposition to the proposal, as he was the only one riding mountain bikes in the Senate at the time. Regardless, Feingold was able to get his mountain bike, despite the fact that there was no one else asking for one.

As years went by the popularity of mountain biking began to increase, with greater demand amongst his Democratic colleagues. By late 2005 nearly half the Senate was using the mountain bike on a regular basis, and promoting the fitness of biking to their constituents back home.

December of 2005 it was discovered that President Bush had been using the Senate mountain bike without telling any of the Senators, ignoring the fact that the mountain bike was meant exclusively for Senators. When the story broke the President was defiant, telling the press that he was the President and therefore he could do what he wanted with the mountain bike.

Early 2006 the President's fortune took a turn for the worse. While out riding the bike he accidentally crashed into a telephone pole, causing serious damage to the bike. Feingold has been visibly upset about the bike he first started talking about in 2001, which now requires serious repairs. Last night on The Daily Show, Feingold formally asked the President for an apology.

Within minutes of Feingold asking the president to say he was sorry, Cheney and others began appearing on Sunday morning talk shows that were forced to air at 11:30 pm Wednesday night. Right wing bloggers threw a collective fit online.

Republicans are claiming that the President did not do anything wrong and that it really is no big deal that the President rode the bike into a pole. They have called Feingold's request for apology outrageous and overreaching, pegging all his supporters as "liberal moonbats."

Interestingly, the first polls have begun to appear this morning after Feingold's request for apology. American's appear to favor an apology from the President by a 46 to 43 margin. Despite the fact that more American's favor apology, the right wing has continued their blitz to call these 46% of Americans "liberal moonbats" and completely ignoring all the polls indicating their position is actually of the minority.

Quote of the Day

"You've done a heckuva job, Scotty."

-Speaker Gard to Scott Jensen upon retirement.

Blog Summit to be Live Blogged

Waukesha - Wisconsin area bloggers have apparently entered an introspective stage in the lead up to the first annual Blog Summit to be held here in Waukesha this weekend. There has been a notable uptick in blog posts related to the subject of blogging ever since the Summit was announced.

The bloated ranks of speakers and panelists continues to hemorrhage as several bloggers blogged about their feelings on the diversity of the individuals on the agenda. With blogs bringing about a semi-public status to certain individuals and giving them a feeling of credibility and even celebrity, they are now eager to scratch this itch with a more traditional public forum.

Not willing to shirk their ideas, however, several blogs have pledged to live blog the Blog Summit. Right off the Shore came out first, promising to offer comments throughout the day. Letters in Bottles upped the ante, promising a live blog with no more than 10 minutes between posts. While Owen from Boots & Sabers is on the panel, Jed will be live blogging to Boots & Sabers from the audience.

The Recess Supervisor was excited saying, "The live blogging will probably be much more interesting than anything anyone has to say. These people are blogging for a reason; I can't imagine they'll be very good at public speaking."

Dennis York thinks it will be quite useful for anything Jessica McBride has to say. McBride has noted that she is going to stay the course of her blog, not allowing for any questions or comments to her remarks. Instead, it will be left to the live bloggers to offer feedback, which McBride will be reading with her laptop while on the panel, then allowing her to respond in person in real-time to anything any of the live bloggers have said.

Jeff Mayers from WisPolitics has expressed some concern over the trend. "I am worried that everyone might resort to reading and posting to their blogs while we cease any and all conversation. The only difference between any other day and our blogging would be the fact that we'll be sitting in the same room."

State Representative Mark Pocan will likely provide the first fluke of the event, quickly approaching Elliot Stearns and asking him if he's seen Murderball under the assumption that he is a liberal.

Some have expressed disappointment in the event due to some notable absences. Ragnar Mentaire has said he won't attend due to Bill Christofferson's vacation. "I was hoping to see Bill and Sykes duke it out a la Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly at that one panel discussion, but with Bill out of town I just don't see any reason to attend."

Others have said that it was a poor excuse for Ragnar and that he just didn't want to give away his identity. And while the Recess Supervisor has expressed interest, other anonymous bloggers like Max Power are not planning to attend.

This has lead to some minor outcries, with accusations that anonymous bloggers are hiding something and are not credible bloggers. Power responded saying, "if anyone wants to question my credibility I would simply refer them to my post on Government Choice as a sample of my infallible and hard-hitting blog. Besides, most of us already know the identity of many of these anonymous bloggers."

The first of its kind in Wisconsin, no one really knows how this is going to go off in the end. In the meantime, Max Power is urging people to stay tuned to his blog, where he will be live blogging about the live blogging at the Blog Summit. "I hope to bring to the people a bloggers perspective on the bloggers perspective on the Summit."

Until the Summit, one can only expect a continued uptick in the number of blogs inanely blogging about blogging and the blog summit.

who?

Wheeler/WisPolitics Server Crash

Cyberspace, WI - Just one day after what many expected to be the last day of session, both The Wheeler Report and WisPolitics servers have crashed. The web sites were brought down by a combined strain on website hosting demands as well as the server's visiting traffic. Original reports of a Denial of Service (DoS) attack were unfounded, and both Wheeler and WisPolitics have reported that they are working on the situation.

After a legislator is able to push a bill of their own through the assembly, it is typical for them to issue a press release informing the district and its newspapers of the bill's massive significance and the huge impact it will have on their constituents. With so many local media establishments statewide, offices often turn to Wheeler and WisPolitics as a clearinghouse to help disseminate the information.

Thursday, March 9, 2006 well over 150 bills were acted on between the State Assembly and State Senate. Each of these bills had their own special purpose that was of critical importance to the district of their respective authors.

Friday morning a crushing blow of press releases were flooding into the Wheeler and WisPolitics offices for publication. While overwhelming at times, the two seemed capable of handling the workload. Things suddenly crashed when district residents throughout the state began flocking in large numbers to the website so they could learn of the major changes facing them as a result of the earth-shattering legislation passed last night.

In the meantime, representatives from both Wheeler and WisPolitics are urging offices to hold off on their press releases unless they are really, really important to their district. They also joked of their wish that area residents were not so eager to visit their website for the breaking news of the countless bills passed. The Wheeler representative noted that they had over 30 press releases from elected officials on their website before crashing, each of which was very, very important.

a large pair

to be able to say it:

Legislature Passes Government Choice Bill

Madison - In what is sure to be the first of many states, the Wisconsin Legislature passed a sweeping reform bill that will create the nation's first "Government Choice" program here in Madison.

Long History

Under the proposal, legislators will now have a choice of which legislative body they would like to attend. The current Assembly and Senate have been in existence for years, graduating hundreds of career politicians and sending many off to lobbying firms and corporate policy analyst positions.

However, in recent times the Wisconsin Legislature has faced a tough going with an unhappy electorate. A dark shadow has been cast over the floors of the Assembly and Senate.

Problems Abound

In recent years the dropout rate of the Legislature has grown considerably. Truancy rates are high and some individuals spend as little as 2 years in the system before abruptly leaving. Already this session, some freshman have declared that they will not be coming back next year.

With tests on issues like healthcare, energy costs, and the economy in general, Legislators have continually failed their exams. Grades continue their decline as respect for the body diminishes.

Bringing Choice

The latest solution to these growing problems has been the creation of a "voucher" Legislature. Under this proposal, Legislators can choose to instead join a privately run "legislature" that will be modeled after a Corporate Boardroom.

Proponents have said that this will create competition between the public Legislature and the private Boardroom and hopefully push the public Legislature to a higher standard.

Legislator's will have their office budget and staff budget allotments paid by the state toward the Corporate Board through a "voucher." Private investments and contributions will also be allowed to help fund this venture. Wisconsin Manufacturers & Commerce is currently in the process of lining up corporate sponsors for the two Boardrooms. There has been no word as of yet on the awarding of naming rights to each Boardroom.

The Boardroom has already announced that law firm Vinson & Elkins will serve as both their Legislative Council and Legislative Reference Bureau. Some have questioned the hiring of this firm because of their history of service to Enron. Hired to investigate any problems or wrongdoings, Vinson & Elkins signed off on a smooth sailing ship. Two weeks later the largest bankruptcy in United States history was filed.

Following suit, Vinson & Elkins brought Arthur Andersen on board to serve as the Legislative Fiscal Bureau and Legislative Audit Bureau. Arthur Andersen expressed gratitude, citing the great synergy their company had with Vinson & Elkins while they served as Enron's accounting firm.

Instead of a Speaker or President, a CEO will be elected from amongst the board. In the same vein, constituent are now to be called "shareholders."

Currently, the Corporate Board Room is set to be limited to 15% of the Senate and Assembly. Some have expressed concern, however, that this limit may be quickly reached and that we will be faced with a choice down the road of having to ration Legislators wishing to join the Corporate Boardroom. A small group has even expressed concern that the current public Legislature will be completely dissolved for this corporate-style leadership. Fortunately, those individuals have been ignored, quickly dismissed as freedom-haters and generally alluded to as racist.

whaaaa?

Lift The Cap!

Madison - Choice schools have decided to pull out all the stops in their final attempt to lift the School Choice Cap before session comes to a close for the year on Thursday, March 9, 2006.

In the past several weeks, groups of students from choice schools have been making the trip to the Capitol in Madison for demonstrations held in the Capitol rotunda. Students have been seen standing in silence for the duration of the school day with signs in hand asking Governor Doyle to lift the cap.

Dr. Howard Fuller, Chair of the Alliance for Choices in Education, said that "it is time to give everything we got."

Fuller was referencing a new call for students at choice schools to show their support for lifting the cap. Some have said this is a "call to arms" for the roughly 15,000 students in the program.

"We have brought every single choice school and every single choice students on board," continued Fuller. "Every day at the start of school, we will be bussing all 15,000 choice students to Madison so that they can stand silently in the Capitol holding their signs of support. Maybe then some lawmakers will understand how critical the choice program is to the education of our children.

"All we are trying to do is teach these children and prepare them for college and the real world. To make sure we teach these children well, we are going to bus them to Madison every single school day to stand in silence at the Capitol until the cap is lifted. I don't care if these children stand here until summer break. We will not crack another textbook or step foot in another classroom until every lawmaker understands just how important a child's education really is!"

"Racism still alive, they just be concealing it."

-name the quote?

DOYLEGATE

Madison - A shocking revelation came to light today amidst a frenzy from right wing bloggers. Governor Jim Doyle has been caught paying for votes in the most clear violation of law to date.

Tax Dollars Used to Buy Votes

It began during the last budget process in July of 2003. Shortly after receiving the budget from the Legislature, Doyle started to conspire with his reelection campaign over the use of his partial veto. It was in these closed-door meetings that Doyle and his campaign manager conspired to give $27 million to thousands of Wisconsin residents in exchange for their votes for Democrats in the 2004 election and his own campaign in the 2006 election.

According to the charges, Doyle formed a fictitious organization called the "Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program." This program proceeded to pay off thousands of low-income households in exchange for their votes. To avoid raising suspicions with a direct transfer of cash, this organization instead paid off various gas and electric bills on behalf of the alleged conspirators.

The plan was seemingly successful at staying under the radar until the gubernatorial elections began heating up. Both the Green and Walker campaigns had been compiling voter percentages of different geographical and socioeconomic portions of Wisconsin. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered than an inordinate amount of low-income individuals were voting democratic. After open-records requesting the files from the "Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program" front, an unmistakable correlation was discovered. Over 98% of individuals the organization had laundered money to had voted for Democrats in 2004 and were intending to vote for Doyle in 2006.

Some members of the media have speculated that Doyle may withdraw from the race after this hard-hitting story broke. Both the Green and Walker campaigns have recently been urging Doyle to come clean about his "pay to play" tactics while compiling endless accounts of illegal activities.

Lucrative Government Awards in Exchange for Campaign Contributions

Walker recently highlighted the fact that Doyle transfered hundreds of milions of dollars from transportation to public schools, only to have over $273,000 worth of individual donations from public school teachers in the following 12 months. Green went on to note that within 12 months of being awarded a lucrative state job - with full benefits - every single staffer in the Governor's Capitol office had donated to his campaign.

In all, Green and Walker have tied 99.85% of Doyle's campaign donations to individuals who have directly benefited from the actions of Doyle while on state time, and the two are calling for Doyle to return those "dirty" campaign donations.

Trying Too Hard

GOP to Restructure Elections

Madison - Assembly and Senate Republicans introduced Assembly Bill 5089 today, changing Wisconsin's schedule of elections for the Legislature, Attorney General and Governor. Every office will now be up for election every 6 months. Elections are to be held the Tuesday after the first Monday of May and the Tuesday after the first Monday of November.

"We have really gotten good at this whole election thing," said Speaker-Elect Mike Huebsch. "Unfortunately, we have to wait 18 months after every election before we get to go run an election again."

"In the Senate we have it even worse," added Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz. "We have over three years of 'business' to deal with before we can run another election. This whole 'running the government' business really sucks."

"We spend every election telling people what they want to hear," continued Huebsch. "But then when we get to Madison they expect us to actually follow up on our crazy ideas. Do they have any idea how many of the things we say contradict each other... or would send every municipality into bankruptcy... or would shut down their schools?"

"So we figured we would just get rid of the whole 'government' thing and focus primarily on elections," said Schultz. "This way, we can tell people what they want to hear, but never have to actually head to Madison to do any government business."

Real Issues

School Choice Supporters Start Trend

Milwaukee - Proponents of Milwaukee's School Choice Program have started an avalanche of a trend through their innovative use of a green ribbon to represent their cause.

School Choice supporters have long been urging Governor Doyle to "lift the cap" on school choice enrollment in Milwaukee. School Choice is a program where low-income students are able to use Wisconsin tax dollars to pay for their attendance at a private school.

As a way to publicly show their support for this program, organizers utilized the remarkably simple idea of a green ribbon. This ribbon has been seen far and wide, on places like Boots & Sabers. Before long, you couldn't drive down a street in Milwaukee without seeing a green ribbon on a car's antenna.

Several other groups have begun to copy this ingenious and original idea to further their own cause. While not as prominent as the school choice group, a number of families who have soldiers abroad decided to use a yellow ribbon to show their support for troops.

Some skeptics don't expect such copy-cat trends to catch on. They often site the Lance Armstrong Foundation's yellow "Live Strong" bracelets that were quickly copied with a color for everything imaginable. Much of those copy-cat attempts were an overwhelming failure in comparison to the original yellow bracelet. Similarly, these yellow ribbons and other copy-cats are not expected to gather any attention.

Also joining this group of failures is likely to be the red ribbon appearing on clothes in support of curing AIDS. The general consensus is that issues like soldiers in combat and AIDS cannot come close to matching the importance to our lives as the need to lift the cap on school choice enrollment.

For Today's Capitol Ceremony: In Memory...

yes... before corporations and the almighty dollar took over. the democrats started it but the republicans turned it into an exacting science.

TABOR to be renamed

Madison - Republicans have recently come to realize that the Orwellian naming of the "Taxpayers' Bill of Rights" was not working. In response, they have recently renamed their proposal the "Screw the Voter to Help Republicans and Corporations Amendment," or SVHRCA for short.

"Our party was really split," said Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz. "TABOR had become a dirty word ever since Colorado was dumb enough to actually enact it, so we knew there had to be a better name for the proposal. We put our best and brightest minds together and came up with the catchy name of Screw the Voter to Help Republicans and Corporations Amendment."

Schultz is referring to a deep divide within the Republican party, formed over the purpose of the Amendment Formerly Known as TABOR. Fortunately, leadership was able to create a simple name that incorporated both sides of the issue.

A significant number of Republicans favored the idea of taking a tax structure that places an overwhelming burden on individuals and not corporations, and then locking this unfair structure into the constitution so it could never be changed. This is expected to create a great deal of appreciation amongst the business lobby who will forever get to avoid any meaningful and fair burden of taxes. This appreciation will be exemplified through an endless stream of campaign donations to Republican Legislators who support the proposal. This group was seeking to call this the Screw the Voter to Help Corporations Amendment.

Another large group of Republicans favored the idea of simply having an idea about what to do regarding the perception that taxes are high for Wisconsin citizens. A growing number of Republicans have feared that the general populace might catch on to the fact that their taxes are so high because they keep passing the burden onto their shoulders through endless tax breaks for corporations. Their solution was to have a perpetual idea of something that sounded like it would solve something, when in fact it would never actually pass. The Republicans could continue to screw the tax payer, give tax breaks to corporations, all while having a great catchy slogan for campaigning every two years. In this case, the group was seeking to call this the Screw the Voter to Help Republicans Amendment.

"The beauty of both viewpoints," continued Schultz, "is that, either way, the voters get screwed because whether or not this passes they will never actually see any real tax relief. If it passes, we get the thanks and praise of corporations while the voters just get locked into this system that screws them; and if it doesn't pass, we get a great campaign piece while we don't actually do anything to help them with their tax burden. The circular logic is beautiful... 'we must pass tax breaks for businesses for the purpose of job creation to help lower taxes,' when all these tax breaks just increase the burden on our citizenry."

Whatever the result, there seems to be a consensus among Republicans that either way, this proposal will screw the taxpayer. Because of this, the amendment has quickly picked up an abbreviated name amongst Capitol insiders: Screw the Voter.

TRUE...

unless the fact is inconvenient to your agenda...

Doyle: Keep Them Warm... GOP: Let Them Freeze

Milwaukee - Governor Doyle today renewed his call for an increase in energy assistance for low income individuals. Under his proposal, Wisconsin would lend a helping hand to individuals having a particularly hard time paying for home heating costs that have more than doubled in the past two years.

"Too many families are being left behind," noted Doyle. "While oil companies reap record profits, low-income families here in Milwaukee are having to choose between keeping their children warm and keeping their children fed. With new fiscal estimates painting a brighter and brighter future, we should take this extra money and invest it in the wellbeing of our own citizens."

Assembly Majority Leader Huebsch called the proposal nothing more than your typical "pay-to-play" scandal from the Governor's office.

"When is he going to learn that it is illegal to buy votes? I know he keeps talking about how people would freeze to death otherwise, but it just doesn't pass the smell test. They are getting cold hard cash in the form of their energy bill and you know damn well they'll be marching to the polls for Doyle come November."

One resident found the proposal beyond the scope of government. "I didn't work hard to land a six-figure income just so my tax dollars could be given away to these losers. We all start on fair ground and if you want to neglect the care of your mother, father, nanny, private school and home tutor just to become a failure... then it is your fault and you deserve to be cold."

When asked about the comment, John Gard contemplated, "yeah... that's it. What do they call that? Strict Father something or other. I should use that. I mean, I was thinking it was a bad idea because the government could not afford to the $6 or 7 million it would cost. Our legislative agenda would eliminate our ability to put this new money in the wrong hands by passing tax breaks to wipe out any surplus cash."

When asked about how this was any different than simply spending the money, Gard became a little agitated.

"Well... I mean... Look, these people are all poor and they all live in Milwaukee. So, as far as I'm concerned, they will not be donating to my congressional campaign. Corporations, on the other hand, have lots of funds available for my campaign and would certainly appreciate the tax breaks. Did you see Wisconsin's 8th Congressional District is the #5 most expensive House race!? I am here to do my job representing the people of Sun... Northeastern Wisconsin, and we will not rest until we are #1!"

Priorities

GOP Restructuring

GOP to Become Dems

With the concealed carry vote over, Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz released his legislative agenda for the remainder of the session. The focus will be on typical democratic agenda items like healthcare and energy assistance.

As with the start of every even year, Republicans are quick to dispose of their trademark legislation covering God, guns and gays so that they can appeal to the regular residents of Wisconsin who are struggling with both healthcare and utility bills.

"I really hate doing this," said Schultz. "Every two goddamned years we have to drop everything and act like caring democrats so we can get reelected come November. If only we could stop blacks and poor people from voting, we wouldn't have to do this."

Brief Hiatus

A brief hiatus from pretending to be democrats is expected sometime in May, when the legislature will pass a constitutional amendment to ban gays from eating ice cream. The second consideration of such proposal, the amendment will then appear on the November ballots.

"That will be the one highlight of the remaining legislative session," said Schultz excitedly. "That will be a fun week or two... gettin' to be a right wing republican again! I hope some of them gays show up at the capitol so I can spit in their face."

After June 1st the GOP will slither back to their respective districts so they can begin their favorite part of work: campaigning.

M.A.D.

The Max Power Inside Scoop. Concealed Carry will become law, and this is your next Christmas:

This Max Power Inside Scoop was brought to you by the hard-hitting journalistic research, integrity, and a certain je ne sais quoi known only to the world of Fox News.

GOP Recruits Jesus Christ to Challenge Tom Nelson

Madison - In a stunning announcement, the Republican Party of Wisconsin introduced Jesus Christ as candidate for Wisconsin's 5th Assembly District.

Rick Graber of RPW had this to say:

"After an exhaustive search for the most viable candidate, we were left with only one man who we thought could actually stand a chance against Tom Nelson: Jesus Christ. In retrospect, as the party of God and all God-fearing people, it is a natural fit."

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