M.A.D.

The Max Power Inside Scoop. Concealed Carry will become law, and this is your next Christmas:

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GOP Recruits Jesus Christ to Challenge Tom Nelson

Madison - In a stunning announcement, the Republican Party of Wisconsin introduced Jesus Christ as candidate for Wisconsin's 5th Assembly District.

Rick Graber of RPW had this to say:

"After an exhaustive search for the most viable candidate, we were left with only one man who we thought could actually stand a chance against Tom Nelson: Jesus Christ. In retrospect, as the party of God and all God-fearing people, it is a natural fit."

true

Grothman to Star in Da Vinci Code

West Bend - State Senator Glenn Grothman announced today that he will be taking time off from the campaign trail in his off-year this fall for principal shooting of The Da Vinci Code in which he will star as Silas, a character from Dan Brown's famous book.

Silas is an albino devotee of Opus Dei who practices severe corporal mortification. Before the beginning of the events in the novel, he is put in contact with a Teacher who tells him that the mission he will be given is of utmost importance in saving the true Word of God. Under the orders of the Teacher, he murders Jacques Saunière and the other three leaders of the Priory of Sion in order to extract the location of the Priory's clef de voûte or "keystone".


"Looks aside," said Ron Howard, "he is a perfect match for the character. You can find similarities in their lives."

In the last general election and its primary, Glenn Grothman destroyed the political life of Senator Mary Panzer, for the sake of TABOR and the Republican Party of Wisconsin.

Similarly, Silas is reluctant to commit murder, knowing that it is a sin, and does so only because he is assured his actions will save the Church.

Their story further correlates, as Silas discovers later that he has been duped with false information, leading him to chase Langdon and Neveu in order to obtain the actual keystone.

Following the story's arc; after ascending to the Senate at the direction of his Teacher, Speaker Gard, Grothman too is abandoned as the Teacher begins his quest for federal glory. Meanwhile, the Senate continues to avoid the subject of TABOR despite Grothman's takeover.

Flexing Muscles in the State Senate

23-10 vote...
Place your bets... place your bets! Who will be the first to fire their gun in the capitol?

Odds:
Zien 2-1
Schultz 4-1
Lasee 7-1
Kedzie 8-1
Lazich 8-1
Stepp ∞-1

Bush Almost Forgets What Happened, Who Did It

Washington D.C. - President George W. Bush almost forgot What Happened, and Who Did It while surfing the web last night. Were it not for the informative blog McBride's Media Matters, by Jessica McBride of Wisconsin, Bush would have been left to end the night without a clue.

At approximately 11:30 p.m. Bush decided he would try something his daughters had long talked about: "surfin' the web." Bush began his search with Google where he typed in the newest word in his mental lexicon, Blog. Noticing two choices of buttons to push, Bush snickered to himself while saying out loud, "I'm Feeling Lucky." It was with the push of that button that he found himself at Blogger.

The blog searches began innocently enough, with phrases like "liberal dummy" and "hippie tree hugger." Several hours, and a pair of bloodshot eyes, later Bush had stumbled onto the blog of Jessica McBride. The site took a few extra seconds to load, due to some new-fangled technology called "flash animation" embedded on the website.

Bush's bloodshot eyes immediately laid sight at something on the right telling him to "Never Forget What Happened." Bush quickly panicked, having suddenly forgot What Happened. He waited patiently for the next few slides to scroll by.

It appeared to Bush that there was a pair of buildings - twins if you will - that were there, followed by some explosion, and then the buildings were on fire.


Bush was further perplexed by the sidebar banner in McBride's blog when the next screen popped up, instructing to "Never Forget Who Did It." Bush was once again lost, quickly trying to remember What Happened and think of Who Did It.

The next slide displayed the image of a man of ethnic decent with a child on his shoulders wearing a Chicago Bears jersey. Bush immediately called Donald Rumsfeld, asking him to come "check out this thing I found online."

Rumsfeld appeared at the Whitehouse shortly after 2am, expecting to be shown another goofy joke of Bush's about some cowboys. Instead, he found a President eager to bomb Chicago. Rumsfeld quickly pointed out that the man in the following slide whom Bush had failed to recognize was Osama bin Laden and that he was "Who Did It."

Ultimately, after watching 7 complete and straight progressions of the banner, Bush finally began to realize "what the folks at the McBride's Media Matters blog were trying to tell [him]."

"Thank goodness for Jessica McBride's blog," said Rumsfeld. "If it were not for her banner shamelessly showing planes flying into the Twin Towers over, and over, and over again, Bush may not have been able to remember What Happened and Who Did It. It is through the patriotic work of this Wisconsin blog, and others like it, that has allowed us to continue our crusade against Who Did It."

"I would just like to thank Mrs. McBride," concluded Bush. "I was really able to grasp the pertinence of her site's content through the continued visual repetition of a plane flying into a building."

Past Due but Still True

Republican LTE Actually Working of Own Free Will

Madison - In a shocking revelation to the Capitol's insider politicos, Matt Smith, an LTE in Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz's office, revealed that he is in fact working for Schultz under his own free will. Political observers outside the building had previously been under the impression that all Republican staffers had in fact sold their soul to the devil for the jobs after countless failed attempts on their respective parts to land any job upon graduating from college.

"I'm shocked," said Forbes McIntosh. "I never would have thought someone would willingly subject themselves to the soul-crushing duties of working for the Republican Party unless they had no soul."

Between preventing minorities from voting, stopping women from taking the pill, allowing pharmacists to lie to people, bigotted hate-mongering of gays to compensate for their own sexual confusion, and allowing doctors to be above the law without reproach even if it lead to the death of a woman; no one actually expected to find an individual that could have any interest, pride or civic duty in the ranks of Republican staffers.

When asked about the possibility of a growing trend that could threaten his business of soul-trading, the devil's secretary said he was not concerned but would not be available for further comment until he returned from his golf trip with Tom DeLay.

Too Easy a Target?

Like shooting fish in a barrel...

Reynolds Revises Staff Guidelines

Madison - In what comes as a shock to almost no one, State Senator Tom Reynolds announced sweeping changes in his office's staffing policies. These changes are to take effect immediately, requiring all his current staff to re-apply for their own jobs.

Among the changes:

-Born Again Christians no longer meet Reynolds' requirement that staffers "must be Christian."

-All employee applicants that are female and married are to provide a blood sample to indicate that their spirit is free of any oral contraceptives to ensure they are not having kids of their own volition, but rather when God wants them to.

-All employee applicants that are female and unmarried must indicate they are free from original sin through an inspection of their hymen, which is to be carried out personally by Senator Reynolds during the interview.

Thinnest Skin

It never fails... even today...

Gard Caps Drowning

Madison - Speaker Gard today pushed a bill through the Assembly that will cap the drowning of people in rivers to only those who are intentionally doing so. This was after a cap on all drowning of any kind was recently ruled unconstitutional by the Wisconsin Supreme Court. The announcement came at a press conference on the shores of the Ragin' Yahara River, known for its treacherous stretch between the lakes of Mendota and Monona.

"It is one thing for someone to intentionally throw themselves into this river," preached Gard. "However, it is entirely unacceptable for someone to drown 'accidentally' or because 'somebody pushed me in.' Without this law, the cost of life insurance in Wisconsin would skyrocket."

As Gard continued to speak, a young woman was swept past the news conference in the river's current, screaming and flailing.

"Let her go," Gard barked to reporters rushing to the shoreline. "She's breaking the law."

Minority Leader Jim Kreuser was at the press conference to offer a quick rebuttal, claiming that Gard's bill would not actually solve the problem at hand.

"If you guys would just look ten feet behind Gard," said Kreuser; "you would see that there's a guy on that bridge throwing people off!"

Gard, clearly frustrated and now joined at the podium by Majority Leader Huebsch, responded by detailing the complex process through which he assembled a 1,300 member task force to help resolve the issue.

"Don't try to distract us with your conspiracy theories," screamed Huebsch. "You can talk about some metaphorical guy on some metaphorical bridge all day long, but we're here to work for the people of Wisconsin... because that is what they sent us here to do."

Kreuser added, while pointing his finger, "seriously, the guy is right there... ten feet away, just throwing people off that bridge."

When a reporter asked what he was pointing his finger at, Kreuser stormed off in anger.

...dude

Representative Fitzgerald to be "Panzerized"

Horicon - In an attempt to "Panzerize" a fellow colleague after a heated internal dispute, Future Assembly Speaker Mike Huebsch has announced that "Dippy the Drinking Bird" would be running against Assistant Majority Leader Jeff Fitzgerald in the 39th Assembly District.

"Dippy is a perfect fit for Wisconsin's legislative body. He can maintain a voting record equal to any Republican currently holding office, and does not even stop for lunch breaks," stated Huebsch in his announcement.

Huebsch recently had Dippy sit in for Representative Fitzgerald during a public hearing in the Joint Committee on Finance. Despite hours of testimony on the hot-button issue of religious identification cards to vote, Dippy's presence went unnoticed.

One citizen, when asked about the committee's substitution, seemed surprised. "Really? That wasn't Fitzgerald? Huh, well he seemed just as receptive to any debate or common sense as Fitzgerald, so I guess I never really noticed the difference."

The mechanics of Dippy are well suited for legislative duty, as can be seen at right, when placed in close proximity to the voting buttons on the assembly floor.

When asked for comment, a somewhat dismayed Fitzgerald noted, "at least we'll maintain our one-redhead quota for Assembly Republicans. If only we were as successful in meeting our minority quota for the party."

In unrelated news, various female staffers were inexplicably depressed today around the capitol.

Business as Usual

Doyle Unveils Project HUG in State of the State

Madison - As part of tonight's State of the State, Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle unveiled a bold new initiative, Project Humongously Unselfish Gift, otherwise known as Project HUG. Under this ambitious Project, Governor Doyle has created the Department of Good Feelings (DGF) which will be tasked with the responsibility of offering free hugs to every Wisconsin resident under 350% of the federal poverty level.

The collective gasp from the crowd at the announcement was only surpassed when Doyle followed with news that UW-Madison, using the latest in stem-cell technology, had brought Mr. Rogers back to life and he would be heading up DGF as the Department's Secretary.

"It's a good day in Wisconsin neighborhoods," said Mr. Rogers, after confidently joining Doyle at the podium. He then added, "Who needs a hug?"

Assembly Majority Leader Mike Huebsch was quick to denounce the plan as "another Welfare mom handout." When asked if he knew the cost of giving free hugs to an estimated 3.7 million residents under 350% FPL, Huebsch responded that he did not think it mattered.

"Regardless of the cost, this is just another taxpayer giveaway," said Huebsch. "We do not need another cog in this state's bureaucracy, and certainly not one in the business of giving away free hugs."

Representative Lasee, lead author of TABOR and recent Mexico-vacation-returnee, noted that under his proposal this type of reckless government expansion would be prevented.

"TABOR would restrict free hugs in Wisconsin to no more than the previous year's, plus the rate of growth in kindness over a rolling three-year average," stated Lasee. "To see the explosion in free hugs like we will under Project HUG is just another example why we need restrictions in place that prevent politicians like myself from making any meaningful decisions."

When asked after his speech about the Republican outcry, Doyle simply suggested that they take a trip to Mr. Roger's neighborhood before jumping to any conclusions.

Assembly Speaker John Gard was questioned on the announcement but he quickly turned away, head down and whimpering, apparently mumbling something about his mother never hugging him.