wisconsin's truthtastic news source

Monday, February 27, 2006

"Racism still alive, they just be concealing it."

-name the quote?



Wednesday, February 22, 2006

DOYLEGATE

Madison - A shocking revelation came to light today amidst a frenzy from right wing bloggers. Governor Jim Doyle has been caught paying for votes in the most clear violation of law to date.

Tax Dollars Used to Buy Votes

It began during the last budget process in July of 2003. Shortly after receiving the budget from the Legislature, Doyle started to conspire with his reelection campaign over the use of his partial veto. It was in these closed-door meetings that Doyle and his campaign manager conspired to give $27 million to thousands of Wisconsin residents in exchange for their votes for Democrats in the 2004 election and his own campaign in the 2006 election.

According to the charges, Doyle formed a fictitious organization called the "Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program." This program proceeded to pay off thousands of low-income households in exchange for their votes. To avoid raising suspicions with a direct transfer of cash, this organization instead paid off various gas and electric bills on behalf of the alleged conspirators.

The plan was seemingly successful at staying under the radar until the gubernatorial elections began heating up. Both the Green and Walker campaigns had been compiling voter percentages of different geographical and socioeconomic portions of Wisconsin. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered than an inordinate amount of low-income individuals were voting democratic. After open-records requesting the files from the "Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program" front, an unmistakable correlation was discovered. Over 98% of individuals the organization had laundered money to had voted for Democrats in 2004 and were intending to vote for Doyle in 2006.

Some members of the media have speculated that Doyle may withdraw from the race after this hard-hitting story broke. Both the Green and Walker campaigns have recently been urging Doyle to come clean about his "pay to play" tactics while compiling endless accounts of illegal activities.

Lucrative Government Awards in Exchange for Campaign Contributions

Walker recently highlighted the fact that Doyle transfered hundreds of milions of dollars from transportation to public schools, only to have over $273,000 worth of individual donations from public school teachers in the following 12 months. Green went on to note that within 12 months of being awarded a lucrative state job - with full benefits - every single staffer in the Governor's Capitol office had donated to his campaign.

In all, Green and Walker have tied 99.85% of Doyle's campaign donations to individuals who have directly benefited from the actions of Doyle while on state time, and the two are calling for Doyle to return those "dirty" campaign donations.



Trying Too Hard



Tuesday, February 21, 2006

GOP to Restructure Elections

Madison - Assembly and Senate Republicans introduced Assembly Bill 5089 today, changing Wisconsin's schedule of elections for the Legislature, Attorney General and Governor. Every office will now be up for election every 6 months. Elections are to be held the Tuesday after the first Monday of May and the Tuesday after the first Monday of November.

"We have really gotten good at this whole election thing," said Speaker-Elect Mike Huebsch. "Unfortunately, we have to wait 18 months after every election before we get to go run an election again."

"In the Senate we have it even worse," added Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz. "We have over three years of 'business' to deal with before we can run another election. This whole 'running the government' business really sucks."

"We spend every election telling people what they want to hear," continued Huebsch. "But then when we get to Madison they expect us to actually follow up on our crazy ideas. Do they have any idea how many of the things we say contradict each other... or would send every municipality into bankruptcy... or would shut down their schools?"

"So we figured we would just get rid of the whole 'government' thing and focus primarily on elections," said Schultz. "This way, we can tell people what they want to hear, but never have to actually head to Madison to do any government business."



Friday, February 17, 2006

Real Issues



School Choice Supporters Start Trend

Milwaukee - Proponents of Milwaukee's School Choice Program have started an avalanche of a trend through their innovative use of a green ribbon to represent their cause.

School Choice supporters have long been urging Governor Doyle to "lift the cap" on school choice enrollment in Milwaukee. School Choice is a program where low-income students are able to use Wisconsin tax dollars to pay for their attendance at a private school.

As a way to publicly show their support for this program, organizers utilized the remarkably simple idea of a green ribbon. This ribbon has been seen far and wide, on places like Boots & Sabers. Before long, you couldn't drive down a street in Milwaukee without seeing a green ribbon on a car's antenna.

Several other groups have begun to copy this ingenious and original idea to further their own cause. While not as prominent as the school choice group, a number of families who have soldiers abroad decided to use a yellow ribbon to show their support for troops.

Some skeptics don't expect such copy-cat trends to catch on. They often site the Lance Armstrong Foundation's yellow "Live Strong" bracelets that were quickly copied with a color for everything imaginable. Much of those copy-cat attempts were an overwhelming failure in comparison to the original yellow bracelet. Similarly, these yellow ribbons and other copy-cats are not expected to gather any attention.

Also joining this group of failures is likely to be the red ribbon appearing on clothes in support of curing AIDS. The general consensus is that issues like soldiers in combat and AIDS cannot come close to matching the importance to our lives as the need to lift the cap on school choice enrollment.



Friday, February 10, 2006

For Today's Capitol Ceremony: In Memory...

yes... before corporations and the almighty dollar took over. the democrats started it but the republicans turned it into an exacting science.



Thursday, February 09, 2006

TABOR to be renamed

Screw the Voter!Madison - Republicans have recently come to realize that the Orwellian naming of the "Taxpayers' Bill of Rights" was not working. In response, they have recently renamed their proposal the "Screw the Voter to Help Republicans and Corporations Amendment," or SVHRCA for short.

"Our party was really split," said Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz. "TABOR had become a dirty word ever since Colorado was dumb enough to actually enact it, so we knew there had to be a better name for the proposal. We put our best and brightest minds together and came up with the catchy name of Screw the Voter to Help Republicans and Corporations Amendment."

Schultz is referring to a deep divide within the Republican party, formed over the purpose of the Amendment Formerly Known as TABOR. Fortunately, leadership was able to create a simple name that incorporated both sides of the issue.

A significant number of Republicans favored the idea of taking a tax structure that places an overwhelming burden on individuals and not corporations, and then locking this unfair structure into the constitution so it could never be changed. This is expected to create a great deal of appreciation amongst the business lobby who will forever get to avoid any meaningful and fair burden of taxes. This appreciation will be exemplified through an endless stream of campaign donations to Republican Legislators who support the proposal. This group was seeking to call this the Screw the Voter to Help Corporations Amendment.

Almost There... Ha!Another large group of Republicans favored the idea of simply having an idea about what to do regarding the perception that taxes are high for Wisconsin citizens. A growing number of Republicans have feared that the general populace might catch on to the fact that their taxes are so high because they keep passing the burden onto their shoulders through endless tax breaks for corporations. Their solution was to have a perpetual idea of something that sounded like it would solve something, when in fact it would never actually pass. The Republicans could continue to screw the tax payer, give tax breaks to corporations, all while having a great catchy slogan for campaigning every two years. In this case, the group was seeking to call this the Screw the Voter to Help Republicans Amendment.

"The beauty of both viewpoints," continued Schultz, "is that, either way, the voters get screwed because whether or not this passes they will never actually see any real tax relief. If it passes, we get the thanks and praise of corporations while the voters just get locked into this system that screws them; and if it doesn't pass, we get a great campaign piece while we don't actually do anything to help them with their tax burden. The circular logic is beautiful... 'we must pass tax breaks for businesses for the purpose of job creation to help lower taxes,' when all these tax breaks just increase the burden on our citizenry."

Whatever the result, there seems to be a consensus among Republicans that either way, this proposal will screw the taxpayer. Because of this, the amendment has quickly picked up an abbreviated name amongst Capitol insiders: Screw the Voter.



TRUE...

unless the fact is inconvenient to your agenda...



Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Doyle: Keep Them Warm... GOP: Let Them Freeze

Why don't you just get a job!Milwaukee - Governor Doyle today renewed his call for an increase in energy assistance for low income individuals. Under his proposal, Wisconsin would lend a helping hand to individuals having a particularly hard time paying for home heating costs that have more than doubled in the past two years.

"Too many families are being left behind," noted Doyle. "While oil companies reap record profits, low-income families here in Milwaukee are having to choose between keeping their children warm and keeping their children fed. With new fiscal estimates painting a brighter and brighter future, we should take this extra money and invest it in the wellbeing of our own citizens."

Assembly Majority Leader Huebsch called the proposal nothing more than your typical "pay-to-play" scandal from the Governor's office.

"When is he going to learn that it is illegal to buy votes? I know he keeps talking about how people would freeze to death otherwise, but it just doesn't pass the smell test. They are getting cold hard cash in the form of their energy bill and you know damn well they'll be marching to the polls for Doyle come November."

One resident found the proposal beyond the scope of government. "I didn't work hard to land a six-figure income just so my tax dollars could be given away to these losers. We all start on fair ground and if you want to neglect the care of your mother, father, nanny, private school and home tutor just to become a failure... then it is your fault and you deserve to be cold."

When asked about the comment, John Gard contemplated, "yeah... that's it. What do they call that? Strict Father something or other. I should use that. I mean, I was thinking it was a bad idea because the government could not afford to the $6 or 7 million it would cost. Our legislative agenda would eliminate our ability to put this new money in the wrong hands by passing tax breaks to wipe out any surplus cash."

When asked about how this was any different than simply spending the money, Gard became a little agitated.

"Well... I mean... Look, these people are all poor and they all live in Milwaukee. So, as far as I'm concerned, they will not be donating to my congressional campaign. Corporations, on the other hand, have lots of funds available for my campaign and would certainly appreciate the tax breaks. Did you see Wisconsin's 8th Congressional District is the #5 most expensive House race!? I am here to do my job representing the people of Sun... Northeastern Wisconsin, and we will not rest until we are #1!"



Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Priorities



GOP Restructuring

Damn Gays!GOP to Become Dems

With the concealed carry vote over, Senate Majority Leader Dale Schultz released his legislative agenda for the remainder of the session. The focus will be on typical democratic agenda items like healthcare and energy assistance.

As with the start of every even year, Republicans are quick to dispose of their trademark legislation covering God, guns and gays so that they can appeal to the regular residents of Wisconsin who are struggling with both healthcare and utility bills.

"I really hate doing this," said Schultz. "Every two goddamned years we have to drop everything and act like caring democrats so we can get reelected come November. If only we could stop blacks and poor people from voting, we wouldn't have to do this."

Brief Hiatus

A brief hiatus from pretending to be democrats is expected sometime in May, when the legislature will pass a constitutional amendment to ban gays from eating ice cream. The second consideration of such proposal, the amendment will then appear on the November ballots.

"That will be the one highlight of the remaining legislative session," said Schultz excitedly. "That will be a fun week or two... gettin' to be a right wing republican again! I hope some of them gays show up at the capitol so I can spit in their face."

After June 1st the GOP will slither back to their respective districts so they can begin their favorite part of work: campaigning.