Reynolds Revises Staff Guidelines

Madison - In what comes as a shock to almost no one, State Senator Tom Reynolds announced sweeping changes in his office's staffing policies. These changes are to take effect immediately, requiring all his current staff to re-apply for their own jobs.

Among the changes:

-Born Again Christians no longer meet Reynolds' requirement that staffers "must be Christian."

-All employee applicants that are female and married are to provide a blood sample to indicate that their spirit is free of any oral contraceptives to ensure they are not having kids of their own volition, but rather when God wants them to.

-All employee applicants that are female and unmarried must indicate they are free from original sin through an inspection of their hymen, which is to be carried out personally by Senator Reynolds during the interview.