Representative Fitzgerald to be "Panzerized"

Horicon - In an attempt to "Panzerize" a fellow colleague after a heated internal dispute, Future Assembly Speaker Mike Huebsch has announced that "Dippy the Drinking Bird" would be running against Assistant Majority Leader Jeff Fitzgerald in the 39th Assembly District.

"Dippy is a perfect fit for Wisconsin's legislative body. He can maintain a voting record equal to any Republican currently holding office, and does not even stop for lunch breaks," stated Huebsch in his announcement.

Huebsch recently had Dippy sit in for Representative Fitzgerald during a public hearing in the Joint Committee on Finance. Despite hours of testimony on the hot-button issue of religious identification cards to vote, Dippy's presence went unnoticed.

One citizen, when asked about the committee's substitution, seemed surprised. "Really? That wasn't Fitzgerald? Huh, well he seemed just as receptive to any debate or common sense as Fitzgerald, so I guess I never really noticed the difference."

The mechanics of Dippy are well suited for legislative duty, as can be seen at right, when placed in close proximity to the voting buttons on the assembly floor.

When asked for comment, a somewhat dismayed Fitzgerald noted, "at least we'll maintain our one-redhead quota for Assembly Republicans. If only we were as successful in meeting our minority quota for the party."

In unrelated news, various female staffers were inexplicably depressed today around the capitol.