Gard Caps Drowning

Madison - Speaker Gard today pushed a bill through the Assembly that will cap the drowning of people in rivers to only those who are intentionally doing so. This was after a cap on all drowning of any kind was recently ruled unconstitutional by the Wisconsin Supreme Court. The announcement came at a press conference on the shores of the Ragin' Yahara River, known for its treacherous stretch between the lakes of Mendota and Monona.

"It is one thing for someone to intentionally throw themselves into this river," preached Gard. "However, it is entirely unacceptable for someone to drown 'accidentally' or because 'somebody pushed me in.' Without this law, the cost of life insurance in Wisconsin would skyrocket."

As Gard continued to speak, a young woman was swept past the news conference in the river's current, screaming and flailing.

"Let her go," Gard barked to reporters rushing to the shoreline. "She's breaking the law."

Minority Leader Jim Kreuser was at the press conference to offer a quick rebuttal, claiming that Gard's bill would not actually solve the problem at hand.

"If you guys would just look ten feet behind Gard," said Kreuser; "you would see that there's a guy on that bridge throwing people off!"

Gard, clearly frustrated and now joined at the podium by Majority Leader Huebsch, responded by detailing the complex process through which he assembled a 1,300 member task force to help resolve the issue.

"Don't try to distract us with your conspiracy theories," screamed Huebsch. "You can talk about some metaphorical guy on some metaphorical bridge all day long, but we're here to work for the people of Wisconsin... because that is what they sent us here to do."

Kreuser added, while pointing his finger, "seriously, the guy is right there... ten feet away, just throwing people off that bridge."

When a reporter asked what he was pointing his finger at, Kreuser stormed off in anger.